Embracing Tensions: Enhancing Relational Satisfaction

Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery’s relational dialectics theory dives into how romantic partners communicate within a relationship or “dyad”. Baxter describes relational dialectics as a “dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies” (Baxter, 1996, as cited in Griffin et al., 2014, p. 137).

The theory is about recognizing and managing these contradictions to understand complex human connections better. When managed well, these tensions are part of every relationship and can enhance relational satisfaction.

This paper explores how relational dialectics apply to married couples, with a specific focus on newlyweds. To start, I’ll explain what a dialectic actually means. From there, I’ll examine the particular tensions newlywed couples experience, how they manage conflict, and what happens when external influences like family shape these dynamics.

Theoretical Overview

Tension is inevitable in every romantic relationship, and couples must learn how to navigate it if they want to maintain meaningful connections. Researchers like Baxter (1996) and Prentice (2004) study these tensions to determine how couples can communicate more effectively. Picture it like a game of tug-of-war, where each partner pulls in opposite directions, but the rope stays taut and keeps them connected. Some of these tensions arise within the relationship itself, while others come from external pressures (Baxter & Montgomery, 2009). If tensions go unchecked, the relationship may feel out of balance, and both partners can end up dissatisfied.

Instead of focusing on achieving stability, Baxter and Montgomery suggest that navigating these contradictions is the key to building strong relationships. Change, not stability, is the only constant (Griffin, Ledbetter, & Sparks, 2014). These relational contradictions are what keep relationships dynamic and alive, rather than stagnant. In this review, I’ll explore how these tensions play out between newlyweds and their families, drawing from research that highlights the tension between intimacy and independence (Morr Serewicz, 2006).

Synthesis of Scholarship

The studies I reviewed focus on communication strategies newlywed couples use to handle dialectical tensions. Scholars agree that how couples communicate makes or breaks relationship satisfaction, but they differ in where these tensions hit hardest. Baxter and Montgomery argue that the internal struggles within a couple carry the most weight, while Erbert (2000) suggests that the key is in how partners interact within their dyad. Others, like Moore, Prentice, Ting-Toomey, and Hoppe-Nagao, highlight the role external family pressures play. Most of the research draws from couples between the ages of 20 and 32 who have been married for five years or less, which narrows the scope to the early years of marriage.

What is a Dialectic?

At its core, a dialectic captures the tug between opposing needs or forces that naturally surface in relationships. Baxter (1996) and Griffin (2014) describe dialectics as contradictions that show up through communication. A contradiction doesn’t mean conflict. It’s more about two opposing needs that coexist, creating tension. For example, we want both connection and independence at the same time, and figuring out how to balance that tension is where relational dialectics comes into play.

The goal isn’t for one side to win but to maintain the tension to keep the relationship intact.

Three Major Dialectical Tensions

One way to understand relational dialectics is to think about tug-of-war. The goal isn’t for one side to win but to maintain the tension to keep the relationship intact. Each tension has value, and both partners must continuously negotiate those differences. Montgomery describes this balancing act as both clumsy and graceful, depending on the situation.

Baxter and Montgomery identify three core tensions in romantic relationships: integration and separation, stability and change, and expression and nonexpression (Griffin, 2014). These tensions show up both within the couple and in their interactions with family, friends, and other outside influences. Erbert and Prentice (2000, 2004) note that the most common tension among married couples is between integration and separation. Newlyweds especially wrestle with balancing their need for autonomy with their desire for intimacy and closeness (Prentice, 2004).

We crave intimacy, but we also need time to ourselves

Integration and Separation

Integration and separation are two sides of the same coin. We crave intimacy, but we also need time to ourselves (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996, p. 88). Prentice (2004) found that newlyweds, in particular, experience this tension, wanting both independence and inclusion.

Newly married couples also feel this tension between their relationship and their families. Parents often want to maintain the same level of closeness they had before their child’s marriage, which can create tension if newlyweds are trying to establish boundaries.

Hoppe-Nagao and Ting-Toomey (2004) explain that these situations can leave partners feeling caught between competing loyalties (p. 148). Couples naturally want closeness, predictability, and openness but also need space, spontaneity, and privacy (Griffin, Ledbetter, & Sparks, 2014, p. 138).

Baxter emphasizes that the key to managing these tensions is dialogue. Instead of choosing between opposing desires, couples benefit from engaging in open conversations that allow both sides to coexist (Griffin, 2014, p. 146).

Results and Findings

Griffin (2014) reminds us that relational dialectics exist both within couples and between couples and their communities. No relationship is ever perfectly in sync because tensions are always present, shifting like the rope in a tug-of-war match. Griffin argues that trying to eliminate these contradictions isn’t realistic. Instead, relationships thrive when partners accept and manage them (Griffin, 2014).

Internal Dialectics: Autonomy and Connection

Erbert (2000) offers insight into how couples manage autonomy-connection tensions. In his study, participants expressed a strong desire for connection, even when it came at the expense of their independence. He identifies four key factors influencing satisfaction: perceived contradictions, the sense of togetherness, personal independence, and comfort (p. 643).

Managing Tensions

Baxter and Montgomery (1996) found that couples use different strategies to manage relational tensions, shifting between openness and privacy as needed. Prentice (2004) emphasizes that managing tensions with in-laws requires special attention, especially during the early stages of marriage (p. 89).

Communication strategies like expressing approval or holding back judgment play a significant role in navigating these relationships.

Prentice also highlights the importance of building new relationships with in-laws, suggesting that forming connections with siblings-in-law or setting boundaries can ease tensions (p. 88). These strategies are especially useful as newlyweds figure out how to blend old family expectations with their new life together.

Conclusion

Managing relational tensions is part of every coupling. Those who communicate openly and develop flexible attitudes are better equipped to handle the complexities of relational dialectics (Prentice, 2004). Although this theory focuses mainly on romantic and family dynamics, its principles also extend to friendships and social relationships. Baxter’s research offers a helpful framework for understanding how relationships evolve over time, even beyond the romantic sphere.

Griffin (2014) reminds us that relational dialectics isn’t just a theory for understanding relationships but a tool for embracing change and growth.

References

• Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (1996). Relating: Dialogues and dialectics. Guilford Press.

• Prentice, C. (2009). Relational dialectics among in-laws. Journal of Family Communication, 9(2), 67-89. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267430802561667